Maybe The Apocalypse Is Coming...

Food has always been more than just a medium of sustenance for me, I'm one of those people who enjoy eating out. Mom's a good cook but the taste buds are true vagabonds, they love traveling and sampling everything from fab lunches at friend's homes, to street food, restaurant delicacies, and even the 'prasad' at temples. In fact the 'prasad' at temples is always simple food but it's deliciousness is unrivalled......the only thing I shy away from is the 'panch amrutham' which means 'Five Nectars' it essentially contains: cow's milk, curd/yogurt, banana, ghee, and sugar, something about it just gets me the wrong way but the curd rice, tamarind rice and sambar rice with vada's are all a foodie's delight and personal favourites.

As a child the high point of going to our usual temple aside from offering prayers, counting cars in the traffic below, used to be these delicacies.

Watching cookery shows and trying out stuff with varying degrees of success is another favourite pastime. I make no claims of being a good cook, I'm a fairly decent baker. Last week saw some good spots, with the plum Jam/spread coming off nicely so I decided to try out caramel sauce recipe, all previous attempts had been unmitigated disasters of varying proportions, but the sheer desire to avoid the store bought stuff had me take a stab at it one more time, and good heavens! It came out great, so you can see what would have followed, caramel on toast, caramel and peanut butter on toast, caramel sauce in the Ice-cream, caramel sauce on coffee, caramel sauce with toasted nuts....basically adding that dollop of joy to any and everything possible, now while I was at it I decided to try out caramelised banana dish, since it is on so many cookery related shows and the delight of the people in it made me think why not?

So I did and it came out great; for a green caramel student the attempt was great. Now in my mind since the caramelised banana used no cream, it will have a more toffee like texture & taste so I poured the stuff from the pan and settled in a corner to close my day with the most delectable morsel. (Oh! I forgot to mention I got the inspiration for trying it out at 2 am, and the idea was so tempting and intriguing that I was in the kitchen the next second)

So here I settle, and wait for a toffee like hardened texture to combine with the softness of the banana, and explode into a deliciousness of taste & texture and what do I get? The dreaded panchamrutham of childhood! I can't believe this morsel of joy metamorphosed into this childhood nightmare in an instant. The taste and texture had me reeling and gagging. It most certainly wasn't what I'd signed up for, but did it have to be akin to 'panchamrutam'? The thing I spent hours dodging, the thing I would try my best to have less than a spoonful of......yuck....... In an odd revenge of fates here I was stuck with a plateful. Prudence and frugality stopped me from chucking the thing in the bin and shovelling it into my mouth. Frankly the stuff was vile, and I could hear fates laughing in the background going "Gotcha!"

After that distasteful (on many levels) experience I was just disillusioned, however my food nightmare didn't stop there I was socked in the occiput by another vagary of fate. It is a for sure a sad day when fruits indulge in false advertising. I got home today and espied the first batch of Green apples that made its way to our home this year and suitably enough I was delighted beyond all measures. For some a green apple is just another apple, but for me the green apple has always been enticing because of it unusual colour. I used to be fascinated by it as a kid, and then when you bite into the crisp apple the shock and delight that races through the sensory system because of its tartness is a joy that few things can stake claim to. At first bite it jolts you out of complacency and indifference and injects life into your veins. I think it is one of the best pick me up fruits.

Now coming to today, the drab grey skies of unshed rains couldn't further dampen my spirits the moment I saw it, sure enough hungry or not, i took one, washed it and trotted off to settle in peace and chomp away. Nothing can smash your anticipation harder than a green apple that is untrue. Here you settle, your mind already racing through the impending delight, your senses ready for the tart hit and crisp texture, and you go beyond the stage of drooling over it and bite into the delectable morsel only to discover what? That the green looking green apple is wolf in sheep's clothing, it is an imposter and the most vicious kind of deceiver. It is an apple with a false skin. For all its green peel the veritable thing was just a regular apple that too not really crisp. You know the world is going to end when fruits start lying. When fruits and vegetables start advertising falsely, and deception has crossed the human and animal realm, for sure apocalypse is due!

In pursuit of a cake........

After the last kitchen disaster, one would think I’d steer miles clear of any more new recipes for sometime; and usually I do too, but having read a recipe that had me drooling I decided it was time to don the chef’s hat once more. I decided to make this lovely Retro Coffee Cake for the Independence Day initially, but when I checked the ingredient list I realized I didn’t have cooking butter or cream in my stock pile. A step into the balcony showed that while it was raining it seemed like it would rain for quite a while. I wondered if I really wanted to go out hunting for stuff in this weather, and quickly assure myself great as that idea might be, it sure wasn’t something I was going to do. Also the fact that the very next day was a good friend’s birthday, made it easier to push the project by a day.

16^th dawned bright and sunny; It was as if all humour was restored in the world; birds were chirping; trees were bright and green and the Sun was beaming at the order of things. A perfect day for anything it seemed, after the previous day’s deluge it was very uplifting to have this picture perfect scenario greet you when you looked out.

The tricky thing about nature is that when it creates picture perfect surroundings one should immediately be at the highest possible degree of alertness; nature for all its charms is a prankster and it loves setting one up for disaster. All that beaming looks of the Sun were actually in anticipation of the tricks it chose to play. If only one could sue nature for false advertising……

Well, as I said before all looked pleasant, I waited for the driver to report in for work, once he was done cleaning the car, I stepped out. As I headed to the car suddenly this speeding twit came along and up splashed the dirty water on me….this unexpected drench apart from providing the onlookers some entertainment left me flabbergasted, the guy didn’t even stop to apologise…! Anyhow, I head back home, had a quick shower and spent quite a while drying out the hair, since I already was harbouring cold I really didn’t want it to go worse, but it seems like I have a sieve for a scalp that just lets the water pour into my skull and despite all precautions, sinusitis came over for a indefinite visit.

Anyway, got ready stepped this time pretty cautiously, and headed off to get butter & cream. Since with the damaged back my area of travel is quite limited I decided to simply head to the store close by that stock it. Well a day that starts with dirty puddle bath, never goes well, I checked at the store and they were out of stock, then I headed to another market close by and pretty much the same story, the guys were like cream has not been supplied for over 2 months now…… I thought here goes my plan out of the window, but decided to check out the Defence Colony Market too, but as I went to the car, the damaged knee gave out and it was a rush trip home. Spent a couple of hours resting and wondering about the vagaries of life and wondered how many ice-packs will it take, as the pain took its time abating I decided I’ll bake the cake later in the evening and just rest my back & knee.

So I rested, dreaming about this scrumptious cake. Evening came and I headed out to the check out the stores at the Defence Colony Mkt. and the back started protesting just as I reached there, since it was going to be a quick dash to 2 stores, I thought I’ll risk it, the tempting reward was so worth it, it seemed. But, as before, I drew blank one store didn’t have it and the other store had a product that was very dubious. I knew for sure I’d get it in the expat centric market at Basant Lok, but by then the spine made it clear if I persist in taxing it out more it will just chuck the job of keeping me upright, as it made its demands felt, I knew there was no way I’d make the distance, so I headed back home. Quite a wise decision it turned out to be because as I stepped out of the car, my knee gave out and I took and dive and came back with an unexpected face pack! Once, again entertaining the idle crowd, I tissued it off the best I could and went in for another shower. Once I settled back at home with the trusty ice-pack I took stock to the day that started pretty awful, went bad and ended spectacularly lousy and the worst no cake.

Now as I’m running temperature, have a lousy case of sinusitis, wherein I can barely move my head, it weighs a ton, back is pretty much out and the knee is encased in knee-support, throat has gotten worse and I still have no cake!

Adventure of the Banana Bread.

I know, I’m a fairly decent baker and a borderline cook, neither of these traits should actually have one inspired about cooking, but ideas oddly enough come more to the foolish lot than geniuses, which explains the greater prevalence of stupidity much better than anything.

Anyhow, after endless days of being disconnected with the world, I decided to quit surveying by empire like a monarch and realize that whilst a regent could actually look at his people and state with an air of contentment, when he/she’d look out from his/her palace at their kingdom; all I had for my smug gaze were bored and absolutely disinclined to heed anything expression of my pets and a couple of shoes. Since the television has been off-limits, I thought I’d bake, I know it sounds like a dumb explanation but intelligence and I are pretty much divorced.


I can picture people familiar with my cooking to slap their foreheads and go “Gawd! Help us.” But when enthusiasm strikes it takes no prisoners. So off I went armed with a tried and tested Banana Bread recipe of my sister. A 4-step process with 8 ingredients one can’t go wrong right??? Wrong.

Apparently one can go wrong, remarkably wrong at that, and whip up a disaster, all you need is a mind that “thinks” and ideas that have no business weaving themselves as thoughts flitting through your head and a few missing ingredients. As I settled to start on the project, I realized I was short on bananas, now most of us would go and get them, but lets face it; the odds of getting over-ripe bananas are pretty low to pick off a shelf and even lower is my enthusiasm to go dashing about all over the town hunting ingredients. I decided that I’d just have to make up for the moisture component and throw in coffee and convert it to Coffee bread. If one was ever to introspect and wonder where it all started going wrong then this was the point. Boarding the coffee train of thought was the start of a journey to the culinary hell, memories of which still strike terror in the core of my taste buds.

Once my head settled the issue of bananas, I discovered that my stash of walnuts had gone bad, so substituting one dry fruit for another (interesting isn’t it? One fruit-cake substituting one dry fruit for another) I zeroed in on almonds, coffee & almonds go together great so no big deal I thought. As I was creaming together the butter & sugar, another thought flitted in, (yes, my brain is a public park, where just about anyone can drop in, I guess) my mind went to the excellent coffee liqueur which was quietly aging into my cabinet, and I thought I’ll solve the whole issue of moisture and add flavour by tossing it in and crossing the coffee out. The thing about novice is that you really don’t know where to get-off. An intelligent soul who’d worked with alcohol before would’ve have firmly shown the door to this idea and requested it to get off the train but a twit like me would absolutely harbour such dim-wittedness fetch it slippers, nice rug and comfy robe and a cup of hot chocolate, basically, make it feel treasured.

So I pondered over the quantity and decided to throw in a nice glug, which turned out to be about 70mls for a single cake……….I know, *gasp the horrors* but I know it NOW, *shaking my head sadly* if only I’d known it then…., at that time it seemed like a grand idea, though I’m nothing like Egon from ‘Beau Peep’ I think I must come across as far worse than him…….anyway, so I threw in a good slug of it, whisked it all, forgot the vanilla and poured it in a nice baking tin and popped it into the oven.

Now that we’ve established the timeline of the origin of stupidity, we can proceed to the dawn of intelligence. 15 mins into the oven an aroma started wafting in that just jarred with my sensory delight I was awaiting, the whole room was reeking of alcohol……one thing that no one tells you that while alcohol added to cooking evaporates, the stink it leaves behind is unmistakable, there is no escaping the fact one slugged in this skunk. Yet hope tries to triumph against all odds, and I thought maybe as it baked the smell will disappear…… some of you may think, “why would anyone with an ounce of brain hold out to a hope like that?”….but in my defense, when you’ve spent well over 2 decades of your life, chugging rum-balls from local bakeries that have no taste of rum in them, you must be forgiven for harbouring foolish thoughts. In defense of all the bakeries, I guess they just add a drop of rum to a rum-ball, so that they can technically qualify as rum-balls while I on my trip unleashed it by the gallon.

So the stink keeps increasing, and my superior pets are walking around with their noses up in the air and sniffing about and shaking their head as to pay obituary to a master who’d metamorphosed into an alcoholic in a span of an hour. Their smug questioning looks were quite unnerving, add to that the infernal smell…….. When the oven went “ding” my heart sank down, there was no getting away with this disaster…. And it wasn’t the “yummy bread” I was dreaming of having a slice of with my post dinner coffee….If disappointment and foolishness could be crystallized into an object THIS was it. Leaving it overnight too didn’t age it for the better either and as I bit into it each time I mentally kicked my self for going once more on the vision of an unparalleled delightful taste rather than practicality.

After cooking up another disaster, one would think one would learn to cease, resist and desist all the newfangled ideas that keep popping into one’s head but the promise of a divine taste is more alluring than anything else….so on for the next experiment, it is gonna be Soya chunks in a pomegranate juice, chili, star anise and cocoa sauce….hot and sweet….should be yummy…. I think…….

A good day :)

Really happy today. Last evening I decided the spirit of Rakhi should be the same even though Bhai isn't here anymore, so I decided to keep the fast as usual however treat myself to a Rakhi gift from Bhai :) Then Devyani's call came in and I decided to catch up with her first and then head to get a pair of shoes from Basant Lok.

It has been 5 years since I last bought a pair of shoes for my wardrobe, the only shoes I've bought have been 2 pairs sports shoes in these years and thanks to Di gifting me a fantastic pair, that goes with everything I've not bothered, but I think it is time I picked up something nice.

So with this decision I closed last night and this morning woke up to the sound of rainfall. I knew the driver was having an off and that I'd have to take an auto. So I got dressed and left home, hoping, I'd get an auto with minimal fuss, since there was a temporary break in the rain. Went to the auto-stand and the guys were atrocious as usual with their demand for fare... as I pondered over what to do, it suddenly struck me that the I can actually have a ride on the not-so-new anymore AC bus.

Once this brilliant idea struck I decided to follow through, yes, it would involve a bit of a walk from the bus stop to Devyani's place, but this is a ride Bhai & I had been thinking of taking for ages and what better way to celebrate the day for him? Having decided I was pleased to see the bus arrive in 5 minutes, and in I hopped.

The ridiculously low fare was another delight, it has been nearly a decade since I took a bus and with the auto guys fleecing you at every given opportunity, I can't express the joy of shelling 2 tenners. Since I boarded at the point of origin, I was able to get an seat without any issues and the weather has been bleak enough for only a few souls to use public transport. So I settled, turned my i-pod on and just enjoyed THE most pleasant ride. The world looks so fresh and green after a heavy rainfall and traveling in this cocoon of comfort I realise I can easily fall in love with buses again.

Had a wonderful ride, the air-conditioned comfort, pleasant views and my favourite music, it couldn't have been more perfect. Once my destination arrived I got off, thankfully the interval between the showers was holding up so I decided to enjoy the pleasant stroll to my friend's place. Life was just perfect and walking down it reminded my extensively of my school years. It started drizzling just as I neared her place and thankfully once I was in it started pouring.

It was a joy meeting them all, spending a while just chatting and of course a bliss to meet li'l Pepe. Though he wasn't happy that I had come without his friend, still it was nice to just pet him and talk to him a bit. Since Devyani was exhausted, I headed off to Basant Lok market, had a nice time strolling down there, got a bit lost too but that is bhai & I in a nutshell, we'd always get lost when we'd attempt to take a shorter route and then end up discovering another way to reach our destination, so I really didn't mind, since I wasn't in a hurry to reach any place being lost was fun and trusting my inner compass as usual I found my way out.

Once I reached the market I decided to first go to one of our favourite stores, picked a few things there and headed to the shoe shop, suddenly I noticed there was this huge mess I'd have to navigate to get there and I just dropped the idea. It was way too pleasant a day to deal with any sort of mess, so I skipped past the shoes and decided to pick up a book as a gift. Luckily for me I found an interesting new author and decided that was the gift. But in all honesty today was a gift, and a perfect gift from Bhai.

Lord of the Zings: Revenge of the chili

There entire world can be divided simply into two sets of people one who can cook and others who can’t; but despite these clear categories there exists a fringe group that is populated by the likes of me. A group that lives on the edges of both the groups, like a seam that holds two distinct bits of fabric together, the food group’s worst nightmare people who love to cook and simply cannot cook.

We can follow a recipe to the T and still come up with an inedible new dish. But yes, even pretenders like us do end up occasionally cooking up a delight and try as we may to replicate it, it just can’t happen. I’ve been on an ‘I Love all things Italian’ mode for a long time now…….so it has been pasta, pasta & pasta the last couple of days. The first two days it came out good by way of sheer accident, feeling rather smug on day 3 I decided I was just a step away from being a cordon bleu master and cooked the same recipe on the third day, as I added the minced garlic to the olive oil I realised my otherwise perfectly fine nose was just not able to get the heady scent of garlic.. then I added the lovely red chili flakes.

Now one commendable thing about them is that they look fiery red, the killer seeds are all intact yet they add such a subtle flavour that if you didn’t train your senses well you’d just miss them. They are the ‘visual deceptors’ and while their taste generally eludes you, nothing elusive about it if you rub a finger that handled it accidentally on the eye suddenly it gets all huffed and puffed about total disrespect to all things essential and stings you with a biting retort.

Once I added these little cheats I added the real stuff. Chili powder, nicely ground with low heat roasting technology to preserve the flavours intact. [Now if that practically sounds like an ad it is because it is :-) however, since I’m not being paid for the ad I’ll refrain from revealing the brand ;-)] Now as I added a quarter teaspoon and let it boil in the tomato gravy I felt something was amiss……I tasted it and sure enough it was…..it seemed as if I’d added the sheep in wolf’s clothing, the Red Chili Flakes instead of the real deal I was quiet surprised, I added another quarter teaspoon and stirred it in, let it blend, tasted it, once again drew a blank, thought maybe my olfactory prowess was unbalanced and sniffed a jar of coffee bean to refresh & restore the delicate balance, once again a taste check…..and drew a blank again.

Thinking to myself that maybe it was a real inferior variety of red chili and some spurious stuff I added a quarter teaspoon out of a fresh pack expecting the dish to catch fire…….stirred it in, checked it out with a quivering hand, expecting a combustion with a prayer on my lips and a finger on the fire engine speed dial I took a taste test and amazingly no heat, at this point I gave up, the heavens had conspired, it was to be a day of dead food.

So I skipped past the chili and got on with another dose of minced garlic and sheer delight, I doubt any true blue Italian would’ve dumped as much as I did but well..... I don’t claim to originate from Italy so well, no big deal. Once I thought the sauce had achieved the right texture, in went the spaghetti and couple of nice twists of the arm and the master piece was ready.

With a preen worthy of Gaston (OK no stereo-typing, a French chef) I transferred to the food communing table, and settled for a lovely Italian spiced spaghetti sans heat. I took in a forkful, and the mild-manner pasta chugged down my system gently. Suddenly, I heard the shout "fire!"……sure enough it was a real cry for help. Mom was like, “what the hell were you thinking adding so much chili.” I told her I couldn’t taste it at all. She swayed her head as if she couldn’t really be hearing something so unbelievable!

The next thing she did was douse the tomato Ketchup on it and carried on; the amount of Ketchup was enough to drown a whole shipment of pasta….. I took a bite of her plate and followed it up with a bite from my own and the only difference I could discern was, one was a 'tomato-saucy' sweet spaghetti and the other a regular gravy mild enough to satisfy the most blandest of palate. Shaking my head in non-comprehension I finished my nice large plate of dinner while rest of the table was calling on Heinz Ketchup emergency 101 hotline services.

Of course just this by itself would’ve never merited a blog entry; it was what happened next that drove to this post. A couple of hours later at the earliest of hours of morning while I was working on the comp. a sudden explosion of heat rocked my core. Suddenly my stomach contracted and writhed as if set on fire. And I realised that in all name calling I had wronged the red chili flake, it wasn’t a pretender as much as the powder. Like some delayed reaction poison designed to kill much after the fact, the powder had released its potency once in the safe hub of my stomach from where there was no possibility on me hurling it out.

As the fire raced out and snaked across my stomach the core kept boiling over as if it had some sudden undiscovered solar cooker hidden just beneath it, and waves of heat boiled over from it. In all these years, I realised I’d never really acquired a cast iron stomach or if I did the iron just melted through the charlatan powder’s sneak assault……

Found this fab version of INXS's 'Afterglow'. A creature of habit I rarely like songs where they play with the original version, especially in the case of classic tracks.....this track by U2 is reason alone to convince people not to touch originals. Love U2 as a band but this is appalling.

However, some tracks are so refreshingly different that you're blown away. Some of my favourite versions of some classic tunes are:

Sona with INXS: 'Afterglow', fantastic blend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxlodoUO4Ds

Chris Daughtry's 'I walk the line' It was this track that really showcased his talent in AI



Corrs: 'Dreams' I simply love their version of the Fleetwood Mac's track.



Dj Sammy & Yanou: 'Heaven' can't imagine anyone making a Bryan Adams track sound better.



Gypsy Kings: Volare an old cover but still a fave, but yes, Domenico Modugno is non-parallel



Don't know the artist but the best version of 'Sway'



Any tracks that you guys like the cover version better?

Arrrrrgh!

What an incredible week as far as things coming unglued go! I really needed to document this, hoping that few months down the line my sense of absurd and humour will have the courage to just laugh over it. It would’ve been uproariously funny had it happened to someone else, but when it happens to you, you’re so caught up in the lunacy of it all that you skip past the appreciation of life’s ironies and li’l jokes. As I mentioned it before life isn’t all that peachy right now, and yes my guardian angel is off on a much deserved vacation leaving me to face the vagaries of fate all by myself.

After facing all the curve-balls that life’s been tossing my way, my last two brain cells decided to go on a vacation. Since I was feeling really lousy I picked up some Chinese food for dinner, instead of attempting to fix something up. Now I’ve picked up stuff from this joint like a million times (OK that’s an exaggeration but you get the drift right?) never had an issue but as life decided to follow the Murphy’s law with great determination somehow the seal came unstuck from one end. On reaching home I took Baron’s lead in one hand and lifted the parcel in other, and all that made itself felt was the gravy seeping through the paper bag, of all the ghastly and frightful sensations, it was the most appalling thing! On surveying the damage I realised that it had spilled on the seat cover too, now I shoved the parcel into one of the other shopping bags, quickly set about cleaning up the mess on the seat, I’d just started off that Baron espied a dog and went ballistic, barking his head off and wanting to go & play. He was tugging me and trying to manage him with one hand and the mess was truly annoying. All commands went whizzing past his loony head and after getting most of the stuff off. I pulled the little loon in and went about unlocking the door.

Of course the other 3 idiots were at the other side and they rushed to greet rather enthusiastically and I was trying to just dump the stuff and go wash my hands first. As I ploughed past them and cleaned up, I knew now I had to get the shopping bag in which I’d dumped it all. Went out and got the bag the parcel was still leaking and the gravy had spilled across nearly all the stuff. While cleaning it up, by some miraculous bit of anti-gravity a large bob splotched on my most favourite cashmere mix coat! I chucked everything aside dabbed the bit off but I could see some of it had been soaked in. I rushed to the cabinet to pick up baking soda. The best stuff to get the stains off. I cut open the packet and spilled some off it over the spot and started rubbing it in and as I did my nose could detect a faint sweetness that was growing stronger, I realised something was definitely off and sure enough, I wasn’t rubbing the baking soda in but Vanilla powder!

It beats me as to what Vanilla powder for baking was doing in the baking soda cabinet, aside from the universe conspiring I can’t think of a possible explanation. Anyhow I rushed to get the baking soda again, checked the package this time before cutting it open. Then went about rubbing it on hoping that the stain would be taken care of in the dry cleaning process…. Ah! The agonies! As I maniacally rubbed it in. I noticed one of the DVD covers was soaking in the soy sauce as if it was a parched land thirsting for any liquid…. I dabbed the tissue at it giving a mental sigh! Seriously can this week go any worse???